There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
