every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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