Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
