my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Randomize
