plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
