also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
