God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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