you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
