her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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