I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Your mouth is God's brothel.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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