omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize