I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
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