Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
