So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
