I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize