I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Houston, we have a blender
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
