I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
