In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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