If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I yelled at your uterus for you.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
