You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
