piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
Randomize
