my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
Randomize
