I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
