yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
