can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
we're making bets on your personal life
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
