If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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