he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
