You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
