would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Randomize
