I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
We are two peas in an std pod
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
