The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
