We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
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