This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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