just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
Define "chronic" masturbator.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
