you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
