he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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