I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
