we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
