Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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