my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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