I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
