Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I'm having to shit out rocks
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize
