I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
My vagina is very pro this idea
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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