you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
