Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Randomize
