Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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