She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
