I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
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