Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
