i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Randomize
