I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
