Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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