I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Randomize
