A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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