I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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