awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
