so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
