turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
