He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize