my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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