We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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