Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
