it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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